December 17, 2010

Dreaming of What Could Be

Apr 5, 2009

Do you ever sit and wonder why? Why you are where you are? Why you're doing what you're doing? Why you dress that way? Why you fix your hair like that? Why you turned left instead of right? I often find myself wondering why. Everyday I ask myself why I wake up and go to work. I ask myself why I'm still in school. Why didn't I finish in four years like I was supposed to? Why do I live here? Why am I so tired all the time? Why did I buy a new car instead of starting a savings plan? Why don't I have a savings plan anyway? What will I do when I finish school? Will I keep working where I'm at or am I going to take that leap and do something completely outside my box and look for a new job in a new place? I also wonder if there is something I was born to do, born to be, and I just haven't figured it out yet. Am I meant to be a successful business woman? Am I meant to find love and happiness and build a family? Am I meant to be alone forever always being that friend who everyone comes to when they need advice? I honestly don't know who or what I am supposed to be. I don't feel like I was born to be anything specific. I think I'm good at my job only because I've been doing it for nine years. I think I'm decent at school only because I've been doing it for nine years. I am absolutely terrified beyond belief of finding someone I could lose my heart to and share my life with. I am absolutely terrified of being responsible for another life besides my own.

I suppose I should be happy for what I have and what I am capable of, but I am not always happy. I feel like there is something missing in my life, and I look everywhere and I just can't seem to find it. I wake up each day excited to see what it will bring and then I remember where I'm going and how I have to spend my time and my excitement flickers out like the flame on a candle. I want more, you see. I want the fairytale romance. I want the big, happy family. I want the "honey, I'm home," and all it implies. I want the fights and the arguments and the making up. I want the "mommy, I love you's." I want the middle of the night fevers and the precious little heads laying against my heart knowing instinctively that I will always take care of them. As afraid as I am of having the responsibility and as hard as it will be to give up all the freedom I currently have this is what I find myself looking My family.

For now, I'm content to fill my time with work, school, friends, books, and a thousand craft projects, but someday, I want my dream to come true. I want to live my fairytale. So, until that day comes I will continue to wonder why. Why am I here? Why do we lose those we love? Why do things never work out the way you plan? Why did that person at the grocery store stare at me the whole time I was there? Why do people insist on cutting me off when I am following the speed limit like they should be? Why was I not born with the voice of an angel so I could sing without causing people to go deaf? Why is everybody suddenly "green" when they probably should have been all along? Why does my cat destroy everything he can get his teeth on? Why do I procrastinate so much when I could just get it done now? Why...?

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