May 21, 2009
So, after I woke up from my impromptu nap yesterday evening, I made my way down to Murphy's for a little drinking and pool with the guys. While there I had a conversation, if you can call it that, with a drunken man (who I would normally refer to as my friend, but after last night and his drunken rambling I don't know) about who I am. Keep in mind, the drunken man, we'll call him Mr. J, was telling me who I am not the other way around which would make more sense. You would think it would be me telling people who I am since I am me, but no. Anywho, Mr. J informed me that I hide my true feelings from others by cracking jokes, I see people how I want them to be and not how they truly are, I want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to give as much as I am, I don't give people a chance to be more to me than what I want them to be, I am loyal, I may be able to keep my true feelings about something that's bothering me to myself, but eventually I have to confront it because I am honest, and before he could tell me more I left. Then, today I was reiterating all of this to my mother who informed me I see everything through rose colored glasses and am crushed with disappointment when I take them off. Can you believe it? My own mother! Well, I feel after receiving this not so needed information about myslef I should break it down and tell everyone how it really is. The "real" me if you will.
1: I hide my true feelings from others by cracking jokes...Here's what I think about this. Yes, I crack jokes, but who doesn't? When I feel uncomfortable in a situation and I don't want to hurt someones feelings I make a joke to gently extract myself from the situation. Should I be mean and say, excuse me, stop talking to me? I suppose I should, but being intentionally mean is not in my nature. I feel like I have to be nice even if it's hurting me. I worry about other people's feelings more than my own sometimes, and maybe that's not the best thing for me all the time, but that's me.
2: I see people how I want them to be and not how they truly are...Well, Mr. J may have been fairly correct when he said this one, but the thing is I see the best in people. No matter your flaws, no matter if you have treated me like crap more times than you have treated me like a queen, no matter what, I am going to see the best in you until I am forced to see otherwise. I truly believe people are good so if you aren't a good person then I'm going to believe you are until, most likely, you have crushed my heart causing me to believe otherwise. Some might call it naiviete, but I prefer to call it believing in the greater good.
3: I want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to give as much as I am...Ok, so once again Mr. J was close with this one too. Seriously, though, who doesn't want to be in that kind of relationship? Why would anyone want to be in a relationship that is all give, give, give, or take, take, take?
4: I don't give people a chance to be more to me than what I want them to be...Here's the deal with this lovely tidbit, it's true. After so much disappointment I'm not as gung ho about letting people into my life as I once was. I make up my mind about something or someone and I stick to it. Plus, only I know how much of my time I want to give to someone. I am sorry if you think you have feelings for me and want to spend time with me, but if I have made up my mind there is no changing it. I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I think I deserve.
5: I am loyal...this is true. If you are my friend, if you are in my life, I am loyal to you to a fault. I will defend you to the death until you give me a reason not to.
6: I may be able to keep my true feelings about something that's bothering me to myself, but eventually I have to confront it because I am honest...This too is true. When something is bothering me it eats at me until I have to talk about it in order to free my mind.
Last, but certainly not least 7: I see everything through rose colored glasses and am crushed with disappointment when I clean them off...I don't really believe this. I think I see what people put out there for me to see, and yes, I'm crushed when what they put out there for me to see was nothing but a lie.
So, the "real" me is this: a twenty-something girl who is independent, but still depends on her family occasionally. A girl who loves to laugh and make others laugh with her. A girl whose heart aches when she sees others in pain. A girl who is happy being herself. A girl who is happy being alone. A girl who can spend hours doing absolutely nothing and be content. A girl who doesn't always notice what is going on around her because she is living the story going on in her head that day. A girl who is loyal to those who are loyal to her. Just a girl...a girl who may be all of the above, but at the end of the day I am just a girl who wants all the same things as every other girl. A happy life with family and friends who love me as much as I love them.
1: I hide my true feelings from others by cracking jokes...Here's what I think about this. Yes, I crack jokes, but who doesn't? When I feel uncomfortable in a situation and I don't want to hurt someones feelings I make a joke to gently extract myself from the situation. Should I be mean and say, excuse me, stop talking to me? I suppose I should, but being intentionally mean is not in my nature. I feel like I have to be nice even if it's hurting me. I worry about other people's feelings more than my own sometimes, and maybe that's not the best thing for me all the time, but that's me.
2: I see people how I want them to be and not how they truly are...Well, Mr. J may have been fairly correct when he said this one, but the thing is I see the best in people. No matter your flaws, no matter if you have treated me like crap more times than you have treated me like a queen, no matter what, I am going to see the best in you until I am forced to see otherwise. I truly believe people are good so if you aren't a good person then I'm going to believe you are until, most likely, you have crushed my heart causing me to believe otherwise. Some might call it naiviete, but I prefer to call it believing in the greater good.
3: I want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to give as much as I am...Ok, so once again Mr. J was close with this one too. Seriously, though, who doesn't want to be in that kind of relationship? Why would anyone want to be in a relationship that is all give, give, give, or take, take, take?
4: I don't give people a chance to be more to me than what I want them to be...Here's the deal with this lovely tidbit, it's true. After so much disappointment I'm not as gung ho about letting people into my life as I once was. I make up my mind about something or someone and I stick to it. Plus, only I know how much of my time I want to give to someone. I am sorry if you think you have feelings for me and want to spend time with me, but if I have made up my mind there is no changing it. I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I think I deserve.
5: I am loyal...this is true. If you are my friend, if you are in my life, I am loyal to you to a fault. I will defend you to the death until you give me a reason not to.
6: I may be able to keep my true feelings about something that's bothering me to myself, but eventually I have to confront it because I am honest...This too is true. When something is bothering me it eats at me until I have to talk about it in order to free my mind.
Last, but certainly not least 7: I see everything through rose colored glasses and am crushed with disappointment when I clean them off...I don't really believe this. I think I see what people put out there for me to see, and yes, I'm crushed when what they put out there for me to see was nothing but a lie.
So, the "real" me is this: a twenty-something girl who is independent, but still depends on her family occasionally. A girl who loves to laugh and make others laugh with her. A girl whose heart aches when she sees others in pain. A girl who is happy being herself. A girl who is happy being alone. A girl who can spend hours doing absolutely nothing and be content. A girl who doesn't always notice what is going on around her because she is living the story going on in her head that day. A girl who is loyal to those who are loyal to her. Just a girl...a girl who may be all of the above, but at the end of the day I am just a girl who wants all the same things as every other girl. A happy life with family and friends who love me as much as I love them.
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